Dear Mom,
I can’t believe it has been 11 years since I celebrated Mother’s Day with you. I try not to think of that last one, with you in the hospital hooked up to every machine imaginable as we sat around your bedside waiting for the inevitable. I have to be honest, for the first several years I dreaded Mother’s Day because I no longer had a mother to call or be with.
Being a mom without a mom is tough.
Once I started to throw on a fake smile to match my fake enthusiasm for the day, I soon realized the reason I was so sad every Mother’s Day was because I didn’t get to tell you how amazing you were on a day that was just for you. With time came the wisdom that Mother’s Day is as much about the children as it is the mother. Now I enjoy the gifts and pampering I get every Mother’s Day while I reflect on how lucky I was to have you for the 32 years I did.
I think of you and miss you every day. So many days I wish I could pick up the phone and ask you a question (usually about cooking or laundry) or tell you about something good that happened in our lives. A new house, a new job, something funny or amazing Lily did. Over the past decade, the emptiness has not gotten easier, but it is different. That feeling of just “wanting my mom” is still there, especially when things are hard or bad. I still talk to you from time to time, imagining the response you would give. Your wisdom has gotten me out of a few jams. So thanks.
It was hard not having you as I navigated raising a toddler into teenagerhood but I managed. This will not surprise you, but every time I have a question I want to ask you I ask one of my sisters. Except for cooking questions. I use the internet for that. Which also shouldn’t surprise you, you tasted their cooking. Your passing didn’t drive us apart like happens in some families. In fact, it brought us closer together. We have a very busy text thread and we text every day practically. Sometimes a million times a day.
Mom, you would get such a kick out of Lily! She was only 2 when you left us; I can’t believe she is ready to start high school. Somehow, she is an athlete which I am sure you would find amusing given Mateo and my lack of coordination. People say she reminds them of me when I was young. She is very confident and articulate. She can have a conversation with anyone. There are ways we are different though, she doesn’t seem to care what other people think of her. She knows who she is and has a rock-solid sense of self.
I think her fierce independence came from you. She is also hilarious, which she got from our side of the family. She has a picture of the two of you in her room and asks about you often. I share memories with her often and tell her how great of a Grandma you were to her and all of her cousins.
I miss you Mom, but I am OK.
There are so many things I need to thank you for now that I am an adult with my own family. The last few years have been tough for us, but I wake up each day and just get it done. Whatever needs to be done. Just like you did. Do I complain about it? Sometimes, but like you always said “This too shall pass”. So thanks for passing down the trait of grit to me; it has really come in handy. Thank you for always telling me I would one day have a child who would challenge me in ways beyond how I challenged you. That was a helpful heads-up that turned out to be very true.
I could have done without the gray hair though.
Happy Mother’s Day,
Love,
Mary
