Life after Loss

Having our first son was just as I imagined it would be. I had a healthy pregnancy and after 38 weeks our perfect baby boy was born.

It really was a dream. We came home, his room decorated with his name on the wall, our lawn held signs saying, “It’s a boy!” Our families visited to snuggle our new little one and life had never been sweeter.

We adored being parents and we wanted to grow our family right away. When our son was 9 months old, we found out we were pregnant again. At the time I was working in a demanding retail position and spending lots of time away from my family. With this pregnancy I felt pretty terrible, but nothing I couldn’t handle. A lot of women have been there, throwing up in the bathroom at work and moving on to the day.

We were also in the process of moving. There was quickly a lot of stress with having a baby, being pregnant, working, and moving.

The night before we packed the moving truck, we were loading up boxes and I felt I had wet my pants. I went to the bathroom and blood covered my bathroom floor.

Panic filled our souls. We packed up our baby to spend the night at a friend’s house and rushed to the emergency room. It was paralyzing to watch the ultrasound tech look for a heartbeat. Finally, I heard it. I have never heard anything sweeter. I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma, which was causing the bleeding. The ER doctor said they couldn’t do anything about it but it is common and would probably resolve itself.

I bled, week after week. I had to start taking iron, change clothes multiple times at work, run to the OB a few times a week, and was frequenting the ER. At 15 weeks my OB put me on bedrest. Being at home when you are used to working or taking care of a baby 24/7 was a huge blow to my mental state. Suddenly I was alone every day. There was nothing I could do to physically to stop the this nightmare.  

One evening, at 19 weeks, I felt well enough to go to a small group my husband and I attended. I showered, curled my hair, and even put on make-up. That afternoon I dropped to the floor in shooting pain. It let up for a little bit and then started again. My husband rushed home and we drove to the hospital. I was almost 20 weeks therefore I could go to the maternity floor at this point instead of the ER. They admitted me because I as in labor.

I was put on some pain medication and monitored until the next day. They called in a perinatal specialist who completed an ultrasound and our son, Fletcher, was still alive.

Despite the labor and the bleeding, he was still alive. His heartbeat gave me immense hope. I dozed off that night holding on to that.

The next morning, I called for my nurse. I knew something was desperately wrong and instantly my water broke.  My nurse told me I was dilated to a 10 and it was time to push.  My husband who was sleeping on a small cot next to me and was now gripping my hand.

There was no big team that came in, no lights, no special equipment for a baby. Within 30 minutes our son Fletcher was born. His heart wasn’t beating and ours was ripped right from us. 

He was perfect.

He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and tiny dark eyebrows. All over again we fell in love with being parents. The nurses bathed him and took tiny prints of his hands and feet. We held him for the first and last time. We treasured him for hours until a man from the funeral home carried our son away in a white basket. We left without a baby and broken hearts.

I was stunned at how common this is.

I was so naive to think that pregnancy was easy for everyone because my first one was. One in every four women have had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

My husband and I wanted to do something to support families who have suffered a similar loss. We started The Fletcher Foundation to help families emotionally and financially after a miscarriage or stillbirth. We have been able to celebrate Mother’s Day, their child’s birthday, alleviate medical debt, and wrestle in grief alongside them. 

My story is one in a million, but every story counts. I will live with the grief of my son for the rest of my life, but I can find great purpose in helping others find life after loss.  

October 15 is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. If you have lost a child through miscarriage, we see you and stand by you in your loss. You are not alone. We invite you to fill out a form to visually honor your little one on this Forever Loved Wall.

Haley Phillips resides in Ankeny Iowa with her husband, Matthew and two living children, Hudson and Quinn. She loves spending time outside with her family and friends frequenting parks and trails. Reading and sipping coffee are her favorite pastimes. She currently serves as co-founder and Client Manager of The Fletcher Foundation which exists to help families emotionally and financially after miscarriage or stillbirth. You can find more information at thefletcherfoundation.net.