Schedules. School. Illness. Siblings. Worry. Unknowns. These are all things that have been talked about throughout the past five months in my home.
How do you stepmom through a pandemic?
There isn’t a manual that tells us how to navigate this difficult time. Three thoughts have been swirling in my brain recently. Those involve not wanting to make my children feel unheard, disappointing my children, and failure as a parent (both as a stepmom and mom).
Thoughts on Parenting in a Pandemic
In regards to making sure all my children feel heard, I try to sit down with my older girls and ask questions about what they are feeling towards school. How they are doing emotionally as my 9-year-old struggles with anxiety and the unknowns of her life at the moment. I, as a mom, am struggling at times with the unknowns. Let alone the worry as a stepmom through a pandemic time. How can I expect my children to be able to handle all their emotions alone. We use art projects, creative playtime, and journaling to express emotions and feelings.
With the extra time we have together each day, I have seen many more mini meltdowns. Those are tough because that is when I hear more about how I am not their mom so I couldn’t understand what they are feeling.
Or I hear the opinions of the other parent who doesn’t live in my house.
How do you listen and not take offense to what is being said about you? I use those moments to listen and understand but not give advice or my opinions. That has seemed to be most helpful during this time. The older girls need a safe space to process without feeling judged or worried about hurting one parent’s feelings.
As a mom, I believe I know what is best for my children. As a stepmom, I want to believe I know what is in the best interest of my stepdaughters while taking into account what is best for the whole family too.
If the girls want to celebrate a cousin’s birthday from their mom’s side but it is during our custody time I have to make a decision about what is best for all 4 kiddos. Not just what the older girls want to do. I feel that the pandemic has helped me say “yes” to more things in regards to the girls than I had in the past. If I am able to work out a plan to make everyone happy then I am more than willing to do that.
Do Unto Others…
I always try to treat my husband’s ex the way I would want her to treat me. By making that a priority, I am able to keep the older girls’ wishes at the forefront of decision making. There have been many “no’s” in the past 5 months but equally as many “yeses” to new adventures or experiences.
The comparison game is strong in co-parenting. I have had to remind myself that simple experiences can be just as fun as a week-long cabin vacation. By communicating with the older girls about expectations and results they are better able to regulate their emotions when things don’t go as planned. Which let’s be honest is more often than not with 4 kiddos!
Co-Parenting
When parents disagree about what they feel is best for their children they can sit down and talk about it. This seems to change when you are a stepmom and you feel strongly about how to deal with school, schedules, and extracurriculars. Because as a stepmom you don’t feel you have the ability to strongly state your views or opinions. They are not your biological children. For our family’s schedule it may work best to have the girls in a certain model for school. But their mom may feel it is best to do a different model. How to navigate those hurdles is where it becomes difficult.
Do you put a strain on your marriage and vocalize your feelings because your biological kiddos deserve to have a voice in the discussion too? At times I feel my older girls become the priority. We have to rearrange our schedule so the girls can attend or participate in the activity or event they want to do. Finding out schedule changes at the last minute is difficult when you have 4 kiddos that you are trying to take care of. During this pandemic, this has happened often and that has put a strain on relationships. I blame my husband when things are outside of the control of me and my biological kiddos. Especially when it deals with his daughters and his ex-wife. I am constantly wondering why things have to be so difficult when the answers seem clear and easy to me.
We have tried to give each other grace and understand this is a unique situation. Who knew five months ago my husband would be working from home full time, all 4 kiddos would be home and not able to attend their camps and activities without social distancing, or that we would have just endured a derecho! Life takes us on many twists and turns but being a stepmom through a pandemic never gets easier.
As we start to look toward the beginning of school with extracurriculars starting this month, I have made a promise to myself. I will force myself to take a deep breath and clear my mind before saying anything to my kiddos or husband when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. I am hoping to keep a more positive outlook on each day. Then I can enjoy the moments I have with all 4 kiddos together. By releasing the negative thoughts and frustrations, I am taking back control of myself and my happiness!
Being a stepmom through a pandemic wasn’t on my list for 2020. But I can honestly say I have grown in a positive way through this adventure.
