Where Do I Fit In?

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lossWhen I fill out my paperwork at the OB, I put down 4 pregnancies and 3 live births. 

When we were trying to conceive our first child, we got negative pregnancy tests for 9 months before we got a positive. All your life up to adulthood, you’re told to take precautions to ensure you don’t get pregnant before you want to, so you expect that when you start trying it should happen quickly.

For us it didn’t happen quickly. But, eventually, we got pregnant. Though we were not diagnosed with any known issues and I didn’t have to seek further treatment, it was still frustrating and heartbreaking. 

The second time we were trying to conceive, we got a positive test after five months of trying. I was SO excited for our son to be a big brother. I remember getting excited to tell our son and give him a string can telephone to talk to his little brother or sister in my belly.

A few weeks after the excitement, I started to miscarry on a Friday afternoon.

I called the doctor to let them know I had experienced a positive pregnancy test. They told me I should just stay home for now and made an appointment for Monday, but if things progressed rapidly, I should go to the ER.

The next day I pasted a big grin on my face and attended a friend’s wedding. Any time my memories pop up a photo from that day, I always remember what I was going through.

That following Monday, I went to the doctor, had an ultrasound to verify what was going on, and got a blood draw. I went back a few days later and had another blood draw. Then I got a call from the doctor to verify my levels had gone down and I was no longer pregnant. 

I never had to have a D & C, but I did experience the sadness of hope, then loss in a few weeks’ time.

It was still frustrating and heartbreaking. It took us four months after that to get pregnant again.

I struggle sometimes to figure out where I fit in. 

Do I fit in with the pregnancy loss crowd though my loss was just once and a few weeks after a positive? Sometimes I feel like I don’t. Is my six-week loss still considered a loss when some people may not have even known they were pregnant? 

Do I fit in with the infertility crowd? Our wait didn’t require medical intervention, but it was still a wait. 9 months for one pregnancy and 8 months for another.

Honestly, sometimes I hesitate to share my stories because they don’t feel “bad enough” to be shared. I didn’t have to wait years and go through treatments. I didn’t have to experience a D & C or see my lost baby. Does that matter? 

Does it matter if I fit into those crowds? Probably not.

I always believe God puts us through experiences so we can help someone down the line. Can I empathize with women who experience pregnancy loss? Yes. Can I empathize with women who experience infertility and waiting? Yes. Does anything else matter? Probably not.

If you have experienced infertility, miscarriage, or infant loss, you are not alone. 

miscarriage

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