The Surprise That Wasn’t Meant to Be…


IMG_0460Last week I posted an article about deciding on family size. The big question, “Are you done?” has been the topic of many a conversation in my home; and it’s one that we haven’t been able to finally answer. I told you I would have a follow-up to that post; so here is the rest of a story still in progress–one which God hasn’t yet finished writing….

One day a few months ago I came home from coffee with a friend. I was sharing with my hubby what we were talking about. One of those topics was, of course, “Are we done?” My friend has two little girls, and we have had this conversation off and on together for probably about a year. I simply told my husband part of our conversation, and he said, “I am about ready to say let’s stop talking about it and just have another child.” I think I about fell off my chair. I hadn’t brought this up hoping this is what he would say – I was fully content with my life at that moment. So… okay, then I started to wonder if I really did want another child. Do we want to purposefully outnumber ourselves? Nothing about having another child really made logical sense to either of us; but as I started to let myself envision having another child, the desire became stronger.

Yes, I wanted another child. I didn’t want to wonder, “What if…” somewhere down the road.

No one knew were trying to get pregnant but two dear friends. It didn’t take long. I felt great, and I was excited. But then it happened. The thing that all pregnant women fear… especially if you have been through it before. You just know, and you know what is happening.

Slowly, over the next days, the few pregnancy symptoms I had faded away; and I was left with emptiness.

It was supposed to be a wonderful surprise for our family. But instead I had to call my mom and tell her through tears, “I am pregnant but spotting.” We had told them all with conviction we were done having children.

I had it all planned out when and how we would tell them…. But it wasn’t meant to be.

I was thinking about interviewing doulas and attempting a totally natural birth this time…. But it wasn’t meant to be.

I had several blog posts already started in my head about pregnancy, birth, and the newborn stages. But it wasn’t meant to be.

My plans weren’t meant to be; but because I believe God is in control, all I could do was trust He knew what He was doing.

I remember the next few weeks feeling raw, open, confused, lonely, and just wanting it to stop. I also remember feeling numb. And there are days I still feel like that. Questions like, “Why?” and “What do we do next?” flooded my mind.  IMG_0292 - Copy

This wasn’t my first miscarriage–I had one before my firstborn son. So the possibility of having another miscarriage if we try again seems very real.

And then there’s the other part of this story: that while we were trying to get pregnant, through a course of events my husband said to me that if we didn’t get pregnant he thought we should find out more about foster care and adoption (Again, I about fell off my chair.)… an idea which, when I started to miscarry, left me with more confusion and unanswerable questions like, “If it is God’s will for us to adopt, why did I have to go through the miscarriage?”

But I know I just have to trust that this is the path God has chosen to get us to where we need to be.

The first time we miscarried we just knew we would try again, but this time it’s different. My husband isn’t sure he wants to risk the pain of another loss, and I agree. It’s still fresh, and I feel lost. I am a planner – I like to have a plan in place and to know what is coming next. If God wanted us to adopt or to pursue foster care, why didn’t I just NOT get pregnant? Again, I have no answers, but I just trust.

I know God has something planned for our family, but right now we are waiting and just taking little steps to try to uncover His will. When we first decided to try to have another child I had this sense that God was telling me He would add to our family but it wasn’t going to be quick or easy. I brushed that aside when we got pregnant right away, but now I return to it in comfort.

For as long as we have been married I have said I would love to adopt someday. I have even said, “If we have a third child it won’t be from my body.” As a social worker, I have a God-given, natural desire in my heart to help those children who by no choice of their own have no family or who have been neglected for whatever reason.

So where will God lead us next? I am excited to uncover what He has planned for us. I do know that at this time we have decided to not pursue having another biological child. God has replaced that desire with a desire to help another child. I would love to say we have started the process for adopting or foster care, but God hasn’t given us the green light yet. So, as hard as it is, we are just waiting until God directs our next step.

I have recently read a couple books about orphans and adoption. This quote from Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore sums up perfectly the journey I feel God has led us on.

God often doesn’t explain his providence to us, past or future. He asks us to trust him, to endure, and to know, in the words of the old gospel song, that we’ll ‘understand it better by and by.’ Sometimes, though, he grants us a glimpse in the middle of it all of how He’s silently working toward something joyous.


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