Stop Telling Your Kids You Love Them

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Stop Telling Kids you love themWhile playing King of the Mountain with my pile of laundry, I looked at the clock and realized it was time to leave for an appointment. I reached for my shoes and only found one next to me. So, I did what I always do. I called for my 9 year old to help me find the missing shoe.

In my hurry, I didn’t notice my 6 year old walk up next to me. Looking at me with his huge innocent brown eyes he said softly, “Mommy. Sometimes it feels like you love my brother more than me.”

The world stopped spinning. My mind went completely silent. What had I possibly done, or not done, to make him think that?

Then in his confused 6 year old voice he stated, “You always ask him to do things and not me.”

My 9 year old is my firstborn and acts like the little man of the house. He is always reliable and is a people-pleaser to a fault. Because of this, he never complains when he is asked to do something. So, ask I do. “Find my shoe. Grab my phone. Let out the dog. Watch the baby. Take out the recycling.”

I ask him because I know the job will get done quickly, and I won’t hear any complaints. And then I thank him and I praise him.

I am always telling my kids how much I love them. I’m stealing hugs and telling them how wonderful they are every day. I tell them they are my best friends. So, why did my little guy feel like I loved his big brother more? The answer slapped me in the face. By asking big brother to do these little chores, I was constantly showing him I trusted him and I could count on him.

My 6 year old felt left out.

Would he moan and complain if I asked him to take out the recycling? Sure. But he would know I depended on him. Would he want to stop playing Xbox to let the dog out? Of course not! But, he would know I needed him. Would he want to put down the Legos to watch the baby while I took laundry downstairs? Probably not. But he would know I trusted him. Being depended on, needed and trusted are all aspects of being loved. And this is where I was failing my little one.

With this realization, I immediately changed my parenting. I started asking all three of my kids to do the little jobs. And when the work was completed, I praised each of them independently. I saw them all start to stand a little taller, speak more nicely to each other, and tell me how much they love me!

So, now I challenge you. Stop just telling your kids you love them.

Yes. Continue to give kisses and hugs, read at bedtime, have tickle fights, play in the snow. But also, show them you need them.

Ask them to do something for you, even if they complain a bit. Tell them you need their help in the kitchen because you know what a wonderful cook they can be. And each time they do even the littlest of chores, express to your babies how much you need them. I assure you, you will be amazed at the outcome.

What are some ways you can stop telling your kids you love them?

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Sarah
Sarah stopped through Des Moines while moving from NYC en route to Chicago. She quickly met the love of her life and, after a marriage proposal in a hot air balloon over the bridges of Madison County, ended up planting roots in Iowa! Now a mama to four amazing kiddos ages 9, 8, 6 and 1, she spends most of her time running to doctor appointments, choir rehearsals and swimming lessons. When not on official mom duty, Sarah can be found teaching English online, directing a youth show choir or teaching private music lessons. She strives to always make a difference while keeping a smile on her face and a mocha in her hand.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Such a good point. Thanks for sharing! My favorite is help in the kitchen, I know kids learning and loving to cook/bake is huge for their self confidence. You are a good Mom!

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