On My Heart: Letting Him Fly

“Make sure you follow directions and listen to your teachers,” I say as I walk my almost 4-year-old son, Drake, into his first night of Vacation Bible School. He holds my hand tightly and quietly tells me that he will. We find his group and I lean down to tell him good-bye, and just like that any apprehension that he has fades away. He quickly tells me good-bye and finds a seat next to one of his friends. I walk away while looking over my shoulder just knowing that he will be looking back at me and wanting one last kiss, but instead he is laughing with his new friends and is completely oblivious that I am leaving. I smile while I hold back tears. As I climb into my car I let the big, warm tears roll down my cheeks as I think about how fast my baby is growing up.

You see, it wasn’t Bible school–and it will not be preschool when he starts in a few short weeks–that causes my heart to break and tears to fall but the simple fact that with each year, month, week and day that goes by, my oldest baby is becoming more and more grown up. I am loosing my grasp on him little by little. He has started to go to birthday parties by himself, and he is allowed to play in the backyard alone while I keep an eye on him from my kitchen stove. He can get dressed by himself and knows to look both ways before crossing the street without me reminding him. He is spreading his wings and wanting to fly.

I knew he would grow up. I knew he would become more independent. I knew he would need me less and less. But what I didn’t know is that I would never feel ready when these milestones came. I would never want to loosen my tight grasp on his hand. I would never be ready for the next step even though he clearly is.

I know the last few months of letting my grasp on him be a little less tight is only preparing me for a lifetime of situations where I will have to let go. He will go off to kindergarten; and before I know it he will be graduating high school (getting tears in my eyes just writing that!), and I will be dropping him off at his first day of college. I know those familiar tears will well up in my eyes each and every time, and I will try to hide my sadness behind a smile full of pride and happiness, knowing I did the best job that I could of preparing him… and I will let him fly all while my heart breaks a little.

So as we send our kids off to school over the next few weeks, give a knowing smile to the mom who’s walking out of the school with tears rolling down her face (hint: probably me), and send a quick reassuring text to your friend who just sent her baby off to college. And if you’re another momma who’s fighting back tears, try to remember along with me that as hard as it is letting them fly, it’s beautiful helping them find their wings.