One line. Your heart drops. You sink.
One line. You pull the pregnancy test out of the trash and analyze it under every light. *squints* Could that be a second line? Evap line?
Two lines. No heartbeat. Miscarriage. You feel broken.
So much hope and hurt and joy and longing within an oval with two simple lines. Little lines revealing your future.
Lines that make you cry, get angry, feel lost and alone.
Lines that make you question “why me?” Did I exercise enough? Too much? Was it the glass of wine I had? Am I eating the right things? Did I track my cycle correctly?
Lines that fill you with dread with every pregnancy announcement or baby shower. Every grocery cart filled with children or the kids sitting near you at church create a jealousy you hate to admit.
Lines that lead you to research every kind of treatment, medicine, and fertility clinic. You learn all of the lingo. TTC, POAS, IUI, IVF, 2WW, BFN, PUPO etc.
Lines that feel as though they dictate your life, your plans, your every decision.
Lines that make you push your dreams back, but just one month. The due date will be a month later. The announcement will fall over a different holiday. You don’t let yourself think further than another month.
Lines that send you searching for others like you. You find a community of women that can relate to your range of emotions. You find friends who cry with you, pick you up, and cheer you on. You are officially part of the “trying to conceive” sisterhood.
Lines that make you feel weak, only to realize years later just how strong you were.
Because you get back up. You begin planning for the next month. You fill yourself with hope and plans and dreams, as that’s the only way to move forward. You make the big decisions. You make phone calls to your clinic. You hunt down your meds. You keep tracking your cycles. You go in for ultrasounds. Or maybe you make the heart-wrenching decision to stop.
Infertility, when your life falls between two little lines.
You see one line. I feel my world shifting. My soul crushing. I feel myself changing.
You see two lines. I feel my world evolving. My heart growing. My life changing.
These lines will change you. Let them.
They hold a piece of your story that is waiting to be revealed. The good, the bad, and every moment in between is worth honoring, mourning, and celebrating. Wear the badge of “infertility warrior” proudly as the war you fight every month is so much more than what can be seen between two little lines.
National Infertility Awareness Week is April 18-24. If you are walking through infertility, know you are not alone. Des Moines Mom wants to be a safe place for you to share your story and find support.