Adoption is a wonderful thing, but carries the weight of grief and trauma as well. November is National Adoption Month, and I’ve been reflecting a lot on what it means to be an adoptive parent pursuing adoption ethically.
My husband and I walked through four years of infertility before welcoming our son into our family via domestic infant adoption in June of 2020. It was a time of great joy. But my greatest moment of joy was also another woman’s trauma.
In adoption circles, we talk about the adoption triad. This triad includes the birth family, adoptee, and adoptive parents. We function as one group for the benefit of the adopted child. Adoptive parents bear the biggest responsibility in the triad, as we are often in the greatest place of privilege and have the finances. It is for this reason that we must pursue adoption ethically.
Ethical adoption is important. Too many agencies are more concerned with making money than with doing what’s best for the human lives they alter and disrupt. Adoption disrupts a child’s biological bond with his birth family in lieu of a family who has been chosen to stand in the gap.
As an adoptive parent, it is our responsibility to ensure we are ethical in all that we do. Someday we will have to answer to our child. I want to be able to look at my son and tell him we did everything above board. We did everything we could to take care of his first family and made sure they placed him with us of their own free will. We advocated for their rights.
Ethical Adoption
If you are pursuing adoption, here are some words of advice on doing so ethically:
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Do what’s in the child’s best interests, always.
In being the best parent you can be, you need to keep your child front and center. Don’t center yourself and your anxieties, fears, and traumas in your child’s story. Someday your child will have questions. It is in the child’s best interest to know his first family if it is safe to do so. Even if it isn’t safe, it is so important to talk about where and who he comes from. His identity as an adoptee matters. -
Educate yourself on the adoptee and birth family experience.
Adoptive parents have been seen and listened to as saviors for far too long, and their voices have mattered way more in the triad. Only recently has there been a push to elevate adoptee and birth family voices. Soak up all the adoptee and birth family perspectives you can, and listen to them. Their grief and trauma is valid. Learning from as many people as you can who are directly affected by the hard stuff in adoption will help you as a parent. Instagram is a fantastic resource for this. Some of my favorite accounts include @bigtoughgirl, @andie.ink, and @_project_dawn.
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Coercion is real, and it’s your job to ensure it doesn’t occur.
Adoption is a for-profit business, and money controls the process. Where your money goes matters. You have an obligation to speak up when something isn’t right. It is important that the birth family makes an informed decision in placing their child and that they were not coerced into doing so. There is a fine line between adoption and trafficking where coercion is involved. It’s your responsibility to stay aware of this.
If your agency isn’t providing any education or care to the birth family and isn’t trauma-informed, steer clear. If an agency advertises fast matches, be wary as that can often indicate a disregard for the process and the birth family’s rights. I identify as Christian, and I have observed many agencies and consultants using religion as a sword, doing irreparable damage to expecting families with the messaging they use to choose adoption rather than educating them in an unbiased way. Be wary of adoption professionals who don’t educate birth mothers on their full range of options and available resources.
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As the adoptive parent, if you see any red flags, you are responsible for saying something or walking away if a situation does not feel ethical.
Every day when I look at my son, I wonder if I got it right. Adoption is hard and complex, but if you pursue adoption with ethics at the center of it, you are doing something right for your future child.
Kelsi is the face behind the Instagram account @EssentiallyBooked. She enjoys nothing more than curling up with a good book and a hot cup of coffee, with her two vizslas next to her. Kelsi is a new mom via domestic infant adoption with a heart for ethical adoption and supporting those who walk infertility. She sporadically blogs at Essentiallybooked.com but you are most likely to find her on Instagram. 
