My initial post for January was about decompressing after the holidays: What to look forward to now? How do you get back into a routine? When do you start tearing down and storing? Can we just leave the lights on the house? Because they didn’t make it down until April last year anyway… It was funny, sarcastic, and I had some great ideas I was excited to share.
Then, life happened. A week and a half before Christmas we lost my grandpa. We knew it was coming in time, but not right then. It caught me off guard. While I had thought the awareness would make it easier when the time came, it didn’t at all. The grieving was met with a few weeks of pent up, unaddressed emotion around coming back to work after maternity leave and learning the ropes of a brand-new role.
With the added planning, traveling, and whycantwebethreeplacesatonce holiday stress, I lost it. Full blown, hot-mess express, unstoppable sob fest right in front of my daughter.
“Mommy crying.”
I looked over and there she was, my sweet two years old, watching me lose it and unable to stop. I tried, feeling bad for crying so hard in front of her, but I just couldn’t get it together. So I told her,
“Yes. Mommy is crying.”
She again said, “Mommy crying.”
I looked at her concerned, sweet little face and a small lightbulb went off. In that moment, I knew it was time for a lesson on empathy.
Working in a middle school for the last six years, if there is one skill I hope my girls have by the time they reach their adolescent years, it’s empathy. I want them to understand the ripples of their words and actions and develop an innate ability to anticipate others’ feelings and understand different perspectives just as well as their own.
Further, I want them to know that everyone has a story, and we never know the battle another is facing until we get to know them. It’s a big hope.
Empathy isn’t easy.
In fact, it’s really hard and takes time and practice.
Too many times as a counselor I cannot begin to imagine what my students are describing to me. Yet, as I listen to their words and support them in making sense of their feelings and emotions, I find myself understanding where they are coming from and seeing the situation through their heart and mind. Of course, I’m always quick to remind myself that I get to step away from those feelings, but that’s what empathy does to you- makes you feel like you’re right there living it too.
Empathy is learned, we’re not born with it.
Through experiences and time spent discussing and naming emotions, younger children begin to recognize the feelings of others and understand how emotions can affect behaviors. Older children are able to understand that empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone, rather its purpose is to understand differences. Never is empathy about giving advice. It’s not even about finding a solution, but solely about gaining perspective.
Our society is SO good at teaching sympathy, but empathy should be our next goal. We like, donate, and volunteer, but for many the thought for the cause stops there. Don’t get me wrong, this is wonderful! However, if we took more time to learn the stories of those we’re feeling sorry for, the emotions level us with them and turn the care to compassion.
Don’t be afraid to talk emotions with your kids. Name the anxiety you’re feeling in traffic. Talk about the fear you have during the storm. Show the sadness you feel after you didn’t get the promotion. It’s GOOD for our kids to know feelings and GREAT for them to see how we handle them.
For my two-year-old that afternoon, she saw mom crying. She knew crying wasn’t the norm, but I doubt she knew the concept of sad. So, I named the emotion for her and said,
“Yes, mommy is crying. Mommy is sad.” And I reached out to hug her.
She looked at me for a second, turned, picked up the blanket on the floor and started wiping my face as I do hers when she’s sad.
And then there were more, much happier, tears, and a mama with a heart full of hope.
