My husband and I recently celebrated nine years of marriage. Our anniversary is always a good time to reflect on the many ways our marriage has evolved. This is especially true in the past six years as we’ve accepted the inevitable changes that come with having children.
One surprising and necessary adaptation we’ve made is the way we argue.
Gone are the days of indulging lengthy verbal battles, revisiting perceived slights and unforgivable offenses. Gone are the days of digging into the underlying causes of such perceptions and lingering over pots of coffee as we promise to do better moving forward.
Gone is the time for such nonsense. Because now there are kids.
We’ve also lowered our threshold for argument-worthy conflict. So with less time and more grievances, our mostly meaningless tangles face a few new hurdles.
Arguing Challenges for Parents
On the rare occasion when we hit our argumentative stride, the rhythm is always interrupted.
It’s mealtime (how are these kids always hungry?).
Somebody has to poop.
The baby needs/wants to nurse. Again.
If we’re lucky, we can silently pound out our grievances via text, and watch as auto-fill compounds the confusion that started the argument in the first place. Why does it always change “u” to “I”? It severely changes my arguments when the pronouns are opposite what I mean them to be.
My favorite battle tactic – the always effective silent treatment – gets shut down immediately as some crisis requiring co-parenting communication arises. A child’s well-timed fever especially ruins my strategy.
Some of our most creative arguing takes place when we’re visiting family. Not only are we trying to minimize the louder part of the disagreement in front of the kids but also prevent our frustrations from ruining the time with our west coast Grandma and Grandpa. Switching from a polite conversation about our year’s developments to directing kids at mealtime to stage whispering supporting arguments can be dizzying.
And that old adage about not going to bed mad? But what if the three-year-old is up until 10 and baby’s next wakeup is in 20 minutes and I’m so tired my underdeveloped logic will actually make the argument worse if I engage now? We’re going to bed mad.
When it does become necessary to quarrel in front of the littles, the kids now like to participate. Our daughter takes my side – no matter the issue. She chastises Daddy for being mean (even if Mommy’s being completely unreasonable). The kindergartener begs for us to hug and promise him everything is OK. The baby gurgles happily as loud noises fill the room.
It’s just not the same.
Moving past arguments
Most of the time, we lose interest in the argument long before we resolve anything. A partial night’s sleep, an extra dose of caffeine, or an undeniably cute kid moment nudges us back to each other. Group hugs ensue. Our previous stand on cleaning the litter box or dishwasher loading methods or spending habits topples in favor of enjoying life and our family.
If all goes well, we’ll have the chance to once again indulge our superficial conflict in about 10 years. Until then, we’ll continue to get creative in how – and when – we squabble, and laugh about it after the fact.
Happy anniversary, sparring partner.
